How to make poutine: Food for people who love life.

"DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully" (danceswithrotors) 02/01/2015 at 16:16 • Filed to: foodlopnik, poutine!, Canuckistan!

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First of all, I know this isn't typical Oppo fare, so... Have a picture of the reason I'm not doing car things today...

This was on the way home from the grocery, on a highway that normally has a 70 mph limit.

That said, the Chateau D'Rotors doesn't look too bad right now.

Anyway, because we are human, and we like good things, and we don't like having our asses frozen off, let's make some goddamn poutine. (Or, because this is Kansas and not Quebec, where the real poutine is, an imitation that will tide us over until we get to Quebec, because French Canada is Best Canada.)

First, you will need to make fries. You could cut your homegrown, organic, all-natural potatoes that are only fertilized with pure organic manure, or you could be human and buy some pre-made fries in a bag. Spend all day cutting your fingers off while slicing potatoes, or fries in a bag. Get the fries in a bag and bake them. Or fry, but baking works just as well for this.

If you're like me, and enjoy good things, you will use seasoned fries. Or, if you're sad and don't use seasoned fries, you can cry yourself to sleep later, for not getting seasoned fries.

Obtain gravy. You can either do organic, free-range, grass-fed beef gravy, or get the stuff in a jar. Get the stuff in a jar, because you aren't a hipster, are you?

Once you have your gravy in a jar, get some cheese. If you can get homemade, fresh-pressed cheese curds that make the angels cry in anguish because they don't have cheese curds, get those. Or, be a normal person and use mozzarella. I use mozzarella. It looks close enough for our purposes.

Once you've applied your metric fuckton of cheese and/or curds, warm that stuff up. I'd show a picture of it in my microwave, but I've been advised that it may or may not be a hazard to public health, and I shouldn't show it to anyone.

Once you're done, pour a beer and enjoy. I paired it with Sam Adams Imperial Stout, because it is good and delicious and excellent beer.

GhostZ > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 16:23

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I'm trying really hard to figure out how serious this is.

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > GhostZ 02/01/2015 at 16:26

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Have you read any of Albert Burneko's recipes over at Foodspin? About that level of seriousness, except I don't have a list that includes Cincinnati chili as being worse than being hit by a car. (Which, to be fair, it is...)

BJ > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 16:30

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You might get some comments from my fellow Quebeckers, or even from other Canadians, that this is NOT poutine.

I will simply applaud your lust for life - if you're happy, I'm happy for you!

Now I'm hungry for poutine!

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > BJ 02/01/2015 at 16:32

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Given the limited supply of poutine-like ingredients a small, country grocery store in Kansas has, it's good enough for government work.

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 16:35

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I need poutine again. siiiighhh. My local store has curds, too. I don't want to leave my house though. siiighhhh.

Kate's Dirty Sister > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 16:36

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Quebecer here.

This is a total blasphemy.

You have the wrong fries, the wrong sauce and above all, the wrong cheese. You need fresh cheese curds that never refrigirated, and this is very important.

This is not Poutine, sorry.

A do salute your efforts, however don't say this is "how to make poutine".

Kate's Dirty Sister > Kate's Dirty Sister 02/01/2015 at 16:44

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found a picture of a poutine I made some time ago

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > Kate's Dirty Sister 02/01/2015 at 16:47

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Mmm, that poutine looks delicious. Also, edited the body to reflect that it's a pale 'Murican imitation of the real thing. Because cheese curds are really, really hard to find, here.

Kate's Dirty Sister > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 16:51

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Yeah, apparently they are hard to find even in the rest of Canada. I think the most likely place you can find them outside qc is in Wisonsin.

Pro tip, the sauce goes over the cheese.

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > Kate's Dirty Sister 02/01/2015 at 16:59

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Good to know. I'll do it that way, next time.. I just wanted to throw up something light-hearted and fun, given the frozen weather a lot of us are having, and what's more light-hearted and awesome than fries with gravy and cheese?

Kate's Dirty Sister > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 17:08

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you did great !

It's fun to try new things

GhostZ > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 17:22

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I'm going to have to do some google searching to figure out what half these words mean.

gergey - Wishes vette was Datsun > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 18:38

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I'm Canadian, and with the exception of the mozzarella / cheese curd swap, this is just as legitimate as any "poutine" you could get in a bar in any province outside of Quebec.

TLDR: Close enough to the real thing to taste good

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 18:55

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Update: I made some. Delicious. No curds to be found today, sadly. The shipment comes in tomorrow. I used whole milk mozzarella cubes. I feel warm and fuzzy.

dr861 > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/01/2015 at 19:32

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Whatever this abomination is, it is most certainly not for people who love life.

Gabriel > DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully 02/02/2015 at 06:53

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At least you tried ;) I'll ask my brother, he is now living in Nova Scotia and goes to South Carolina a lot for work and I know he was able to source ingredients in SC that make almost a real poutine. The only thing he said he have issues, is finding a good poutine cheese (and that's why I have to send him local cheese in vaccuumed bags once in a while).